Posts Tagged ‘women’

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Holiday Dating Guide

December 5, 2009

John Carney likes to catalog the kind of ladies guys should not date. Melissa Lafsky has issued a riposte.Below a selection of the funniest ones..

Dudes…

  1. Avoid dating a girl just because she is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?
  2. Avoid any girl who really likes girls who blog about their sex lives. She’s just too lazy to ruin your name right now. She’ll find a way later.
  3. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.
  4. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.
  5. Avoid any girl in a headband. She’s a slave to fashion and will try to make you use expensive hair-products.
  6. Avoid any girl who wants to monopolize your time on New Year’s Eve. The night is too wrought with emotions and memories. Spend time with as many different people as possible or else stay home and alternate heroin and absinthe until you pass out at twenty till midnight. Also, she’s probably on ritalin and won’t share it.
  7. Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She’s out of your league.
  8. Avoid any girl who smells too nice all the time. There’s something strange happening.
  9. Avoid any girl who tells you she wasn’t interested in you when you first met but has now developed feelings for you. She’s just been dumped and is desperate.
  10. Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates. She should be on anti-psychotics.
  11. Avoid any girl who buys you shoes for Christmas. You will return them for ones you like and she’ll hate you forever.
  12. Avoid any girl who smokes heavier cigarettes than you. You’re already her bitch.

  13. Avoid ballerinas. She’s too flexible and you’ll just wind up hurting yourself.

  14. Avoid any girl who is still angry because her last boyfriend cheated on her. You’ll cheat on her too.
  15. Avoid any girl who lives within two blocks of you. It’s too soon for that kind of proximity.
  16. Avoid any girl who wears jewelry given to her by her ex-boyfriend on your first date. She is still in love with him, and only him, and will still be wondering why no-one else ever gives her anything nice when she’s living with six cats and getting her meals on wheels.
  17. Avoid any girl whose best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. Together they are a committee of manhaters and you are the next target for hate.

Ladies….

  1. Avoid any guy who watches Gossip Girl.
  2. Avoid any guy who crashes the office Christmas party. He’s there to bang secretaries. Unless he’s unemployed, in which case he’s there to shmooze, pound free booze, and then bang secretaries.
  3. Avoid any guy who keeps old Victoria’s Secret catalogues in his bathroom. Find some respectable Internet porn, for chrissakes.
  4. Avoid any guy with more than 500 followers on Twitter. His virtual ego will be inflated to levels his physical existence can’t match.
  5. Avoid any guy who drinks gin martinis and sneers at vodka. He’ll be shitty in bed.
  6. Avoid any guy who tries to be cool by saying Megan Fox “isn’t that hot.” Please. Vaginas don’t cause blindness.
  7. Avoid any guy who has had naked photos of himself posted on Deadspin.
  8. Avoid any guy who has more than 10 female numbers programmed into his phone. He plans to inseminate all of them, if he hasn’t already.
  9. Avoid any guy who tells you his ex-girlfriend was crazy. He made her that way.
  10. Avoid any guy who shaves more than 20% of his body surface area.
  11. Avoid any guy who claims to have written, be writing, or aspire to write a novel. Seriously. Fucking run.
  12. Avoid any guy who wears ironic glasses. He thinks he’s the geeky-but-sweet hero in an ’80s movie, and that it’ll get him laid.
  13. Avoid any guys who write lists like this and post them on the Internet. They’re under the delusion that they have a chance with any of the women listed.
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Glamour Mag Party

November 12, 2009

Emme

Emme at the Glamour Magazine Honors The 2009 Women of the Year Awards at Carnegie Hall in New York.

More Pictures